Scary and Viscous

Years ago when I lived with the artist ex, we would watch TV together of an evening -- it was some time around that period that I began to appreciate the tranquilizing effects of the Law & Order franchise. We had this little game we played, which was that whenever a character would speak a line that was particularly maudlin, or a line that was so manifestly there for no other purpose than to give background information, one of us would turn to the other and say, "Did you write that?"

When I wrote about these poor souls I predicted, rather cynically, that one day the screenplay would be written. but I certainly didn't imagine it would happen this quickly.

The synopsis and the first 10 pages -- and you'd better not even think of stealing them -- are here.

Here's the synopsis.

Two very angry, brilliant, and edgy lovers grasp onto perceived professional, personal and political injustices when they find their careers are in jeopardy. When Duncan and Blake intensify their vitriol against their 'enemies' on a web-blog, they attract the attentions of a drug dealer and a priest; both men want to use them for their own personal, political and religious agendas.

After Duncan and Blake are found dead, a knockout female Puerto Rican detective, A. Rodriguez, is charged with navigating through the all the truths, lies and conspiracy theories. Rodriguez presses on the street, at home, and in blogosphere before arriving at a surreal and explosive conclusion; another worthy ending in memory to the complicated talents of the recently deceased Duncan and Blake.

But the writer has omitted one detail, and really doesn't do justice to his product. Let me fix it.

Two very angry, brilliant, and edgy lovers grasp onto perceived professional, personal and political injustices when they find their careers are in jeopardy. When Duncan and Blake intensify their vitriol against their 'enemies' on a web-blog, they attract the attentions of a drug dealer and a priest; both men want to use them for their own personal, political and religious agendas.

After Duncan and Blake are found dead, a knockout female Puerto Rican detective, A. Rodriguez, is charged with navigating through the all the truths, lies and conspiracy theories. Rodriguez presses on the street, at home, and in blogosphere before arriving at a surreal and explosive conclusion; another worthy ending in memory to the complicated talents of the recently deceased Duncan and Blake -- with fart jokes!!!!

Oh, you think I jest, do you?

HOMELESS LADY

Just more of your digital shit, you little shit. Her quips on Wit have become downright scary and viscous lately.



BLAKE

You're serious, aren't you?



HOMELESS LADY

Of course, you little shit! Frank's received complaints from the other tenants and I've overheard parishioners complaining about her blogs. Let'm talk to her...he's a priest.



BLAKE

Wit's not a child anymore. She'll just blow his mind right out of it's holier than thou holy water, just by lighting up her cigarette and putting it to all his gas upstairs. She doesn't even have to say a word -- so brilliant; a goddess, one of few upstairs.



HOMELESS LADY

(hitting him with a cane)

Blasphemy! He wants his chance. She's just going insane...one of many downstairs. I've seen it all before. That's where he always has to come in. Set it up. Pretend it's for Wit of the Staircase. If you still love her, Blake, you'll do it...Do you still love her?



BLAKE

Of course, I do...alright, alright.

Understand that we are not five minutes into this drama and we are on our second fart joke. So the whole thing looks very promising I must say.

It put me back in the classroom, I can tell you. Every quarter there would be a dude who would lay something like this in front of me with the air of a conquering hero. It was almost inevitable that the piece would contain gory violence, a homeless person who speaks profound truths, some sort of drug binge that ends up with the protagonist waking up at the side of a highway in Tijuana or some other remote and unhip place, a girl who posssessed big tits and a geographical name like Arizona, and who spoke entirely in enigmas. And it would have unintentionally hilarious gaffes in it like the quips that have become "scary and viscous."